Haggard Says Relationship With Wife is ‘Stronger Than Ever’

The following is a parody.

Speaking out two years after the gay sex scandal, evangelical pastor Ted Haggard said his sexual identity is complex and can’t be put into “stereotypical boxes.” He said that his relationship with his wife is stronger than ever. Those close to Haggard credit his wife’s recent ‘make-over’ with strengthening the relationship.

Insiders report that Haggard’s wife, Gayle, recently underwent penile implant surgery. That, coupled with a new flat-top haircut, has really spiced things up between the pair, close associates say. “Gayle has really taken to the role,” friends say. “She really likes treating Ted like the bitch.”

The Reverend Minister Mofohammad Johnson, rumored to be the new spiritual advisor to the Haggards, said he felt confident that a man sucking dick was not a sin against God, as long as the dick belonged to the man’s wife. Johnson walked out of our interview when asked whether or not Ted swallowed.